Putting the ‘U’ in BreakthroUgh

Sometimes the things I feel void of in the absence of another person/thing/place is the very thing I need to give to myself. 

In an effort to fill a recent void, I was tasked with the responsibility to ask myself, “How can I give me a little more of what I would’ve been receiving in this person's presence?” What I came to find, and am still finding, is that I have much room to give myself a little more. Comfort, encouragement, taking myself out, getting fancy for me, buying myself gifts that are unexpected. As I continue to explore this, it's not lost on me that though there are ways to Self-nurture, the dark corner that was exposed to light in this moment was my need for intimate connection in community. 

Breakthrough at this present time looks like me figuring out what the balance is between community nurturing and Self-nurturing. Being an only child, I thrive in independence - talking, playing, living, traveling, as one comfortably. At some point, alone feels less nurturing and more depleting. Needs change and a lot of growing up for me has been acknowledging that fact. Growing up in age but also in wisdom is facing those changes and honoring them. Before I was like YEAH! Individualism! Woo! I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t get Boosie on the line. Because I’ve had so much of that, I’m now in search of the community, the support, in a healthy and balanced way. 

I no longer seek to do things by myself. There are times when I push myself to do things alone. For example, I went to one of my favorite restaurants twice. Party of one. Soda Club in the East Village. I had a good time. Sitting there, breathing, relaxing, enjoying the ambiance, enjoying the service and food. The wine is good. The food is amazing. I smile in remembrance as warm fuzzy feelings encapsulate me because truly, I had a great experience. It was the perfect close to the work week (which is some BS in itself but that's a different blog). Living in LA, I had a ton of alone time. So alone no longer feels as liberating as it may for some because my solo cup is full. Now the yearning and the pull is toward communal energy and communal support. It doesn’t feel codependent. It feels primal. Safety, water, food = all primal needs. Community for human beings, and most living species, is primal whether we realize it or not; The need to exist with others. 

The U in my breakthrough is coming to terms with the fact that my cup runneth over with individualism and it's time for me to nurture myself in community as opposed to in solitude. 

That very much aligns with my understanding of the jnana yoga teachings on duality. On my journey I've gotten to a point where I understand duality and that beyond my current understanding there's more to explore.  Although I have not yet reached embodiment with the following concept I realize it is still valid: At a certain depth of understanding of duality one may find that there really is no duality at all. That everything is everything. A is a and B is b, but B is A and A is also B. Feel me? There is no point of arrival on this journey and I recognize the time and intention it took for me to even make it to where I am now. 

My body and my spirit let me know when it was time for me to put my U in breakthrough. It let me know when it was time to explore. I told God, I want to strengthen my relationship with death. This is where the saying “be careful what you ask for comes to play”. I had to come to terms with the fact that I have to be ok with things not turning out exactly how I saw them but that doesn't mean they won't turn out the way I wanted them to….even that is a death. With breakthroughs come deaths. Whether it looks like a break up, loss of an opportunity, or the moving on from anything, there is a closing of a chapter. There is an ending, so a new thing can begin. Understanding that, is understanding more about grief. Thus a greater understanding about how to cope with death. Knowing that death is certain doesn’t make it any less scary, painful or jarring when it happens. However, it's also true that in tackling this exploration, I am familiarizing myself with tools to process my grief. How I deal. How I process. What my resources are. Even if I don't use them all the time, knowing they are available is valuable. To be clear, what I’m not saying is this ended so a better thing can happen - that's the equivalent of saying to someone upon the death of a loved one, “they are in a better place” DON'T NOBODY WANNA HEAR THAT. AIN'T NO BETTER PLACE THAN HERE WITH ME! It's not about a better place, person or thing. Its removing the hierarchy and understanding this was really amazing, now this part is over. Then there's going to be this other really amazing thing which at some point may also come to a close. And the cycle continues. It's not always about bigger or better. One of the most impactful gems I inherited through therapy is unlearning the patriarchal perspective of hierarchy. It's not always about going up, sometimes its about going out. THIS can be delightful. That can also be delightful. Both things can be true and one thing doesn’t have to be higher or lower, lesser or greater than the other. 

This time breakthrough means remembering all that I am as a person. ALL that I am as a part of a greater whole. This time I’m reminded to reconnect with the things that make me feel most authentically me and honoring that life is cyclical. Remembering that I am on my own karmic path and whether it be through divine support or that of my tribe, I am not alone in getting to where I’m going and beyond. This is the breakthrough.

With Love,

B